When you start a new relationship, you’re both all-in. Hopefully, it’s all happy and upbeat, but on occasion, it can go the other way. Sometimes, you can become so involved in yourselves as a “team” that you start to lose sight of who “you” are anymore. That’s not a connection. You might need to come back to yourself.
You Say ‘We’ When You Mean ‘Me’
Being a duo doesn’t mean no longer having autonomy. If everything has become “we,” it can become overbearing. It’s cute at first, but it soon starts to feel like you’re losing your identity. That’s a red flag. You’re not half a couple; you’re a whole damn person. Don’t forget who you are.
You Can’t Remember the Last Thing You Did Just for You
If you’re booking their dentist appointments, cooking their favorite meals, and molding into another version of them, you’re neglecting yourself. What about you? If your calendar is full of their needs and none of your plans, it’s time to ask: where did you go? It’s healthy to have your personal thing going on.
You Apologize Even When You’ve Done Nothing Wrong
Are you saying sorry all the time, even when it’s not your fault? If that’s the case, you’re not being loving; you’re disappearing. This kind of emotional molding is usually rooted in fear: fear of being too much, too loud, too needy. You don’t need to change to be loved. You need to stop apologizing for existing.
You Change Your Opinions to Keep The Peace
Do you remember when you used to be opinionated? It wasn’t a bad thing; it showed you had autonomy. Have you noticed that now you just nod? Disagreeing may feel like a risk, so you tend to keep quiet. But that’s not healthy; that’s sacrificing your peace and happiness. If you’re always agreeing just to avoid friction, you’re losing your sense of self.
You Feel Anxious When They’re in a Bad Mood
You sense their moods and choose to walk on eggshells to keep the peace. Then you wind up feeling anxious. If their moods dictate your emotional state, that’s not empathy; it’s called enmeshment. You’re not their emotional thermostat. You’re allowed to feel stable, even when they don’t. And so you should, too! Constantly regulating someone else’s mood is exhausting, and you’ll burn out trying.
You’re Losing Connection With Your Friends
You might notice that you’ve stopped replying to texts from your BFFs. Have you started bailing on plans, or stopped making them full stop? You may well tell yourself you’ll catch up soon, but soon never quite comes, does it? There’s every chance that you’re feeling isolated, and with good reason. You need your people.
Your Own Goals Have Been Put on Pause
Remember that course you were excited about, or that project you used to stay up late working on? Now it’s faded into the distance, like it never existed. You’re possibly cheerleading their dreams while your own are a thing of the past. Support goes both ways. If your ambitions are always taking a back seat, you’re abandoning yourself.
You Feel Guilty Taking Time for Yourself
You finally plan an afternoon for yourself, and you spend the whole time feeling bad about it. That’s not love. That’s conditioning. A healthy relationship supports autonomy. It’s essential to have time out to do your own thing. Guilt from your partner or yourself for practicing basic self-care is a huge red flag.
You Need Their Approval For Every Little Thing
That’s not right. And certainly not healthy. If you used to trust your instincts, and now you check with them about everything (from outfits to plans to what to order), that’s not healthy; it’s codependency. If you’re constantly seeking validation, you’ve lost touch with your sense of self. You need time to recalibrate and get back on track.
You’re Scared To Speak Up
If something bothers you, you have every right to speak up. You should never have to just swallow it. You might be doing it because you fear bringing it up will start a fight or make things awkward. But here’s the thing: you’re not keeping the peace; you’re bottling it up. You won’t get much longevity out of that. Your voice matters.
You Make Excuses For Their Bad Behaviour
The truth is that you’re brutally aware of their snapping and dismissive nature. But you defend it to your friends. Whatever your excuse, you’ve always got something to justify their bad behavior. When you keep covering for someone, you’re rewriting reality. The more you do that, the further away you get from your truth.
You’ve Forgotten What Makes You Happy
Ask yourself right now, what makes you happy? What is it that lights you up? If you need them to answer for you, you’ve lost your identity. It’s easy to forget yourself when you’re wrapped in someone else’s world. But you had a life before them. You had passions. They’re not gone. They’re just buried. Go dig them back up.
You’re Constantly Checking In, Even When It’s Not Needed
Is it always you who sends the text? The follow-up? Are you always having to over-explain? It might not be because they asked, but because you’re scared they’ll get annoyed if you don’t. That’s not love; that’s anxiety. If you’re managing their reactions like it’s your full-time job, you’ve stopped being a partner. Give yourself a break from it.
You’ve Lowered Your Standards Without Realizing It
There’s every chance you used to have deal-breakers. Have you found that now you’re more flexible than you were? As in, you’ve severely lowered your standards? Yikes. You said you’d never tolerate X, but here you are rationalizing it. If you’re constantly shifting your boundaries to make it work, it’s not working. You won’t benefit from it, short or long term.
You Miss Who You Used to Be
You may catch glimpses of her sometimes, that version of you who was carefree, grounded, expressive, and feisty. You probably miss her. Girl, that’s your soul nudging you, screaming, even. It’s telling you she didn’t vanish. She just got quieter so someone else could be louder. But she’s still in there. And she’s ready to come back.
