As parents, it’s hard to watch your children leave the nest. But like it or not, there comes a time when they need to spread their wings—get married, have kids, and start a family. With this new phase comes a shift in your parent-child dynamic. It’s time to stop treating them like a child and more like an adult. Here are 15 things you should not say to your grown-up children.
We Regret Having You
This is something you should never say to your grown-up child. Do not tell your adult son or daughter you regret giving birth to them. The emotional damage and the strain on your relationship could be irreversible. It’s hurtful and can cause lasting damage, even if said out of frustration. It’s okay to admit the pregnancy was an accident or a mistake, but outright telling them you regret having them is plain cruel.
We Dropped You On Your Head When You Were a Baby
Babies are fragile. Their little bodies aren’t yet ready to handle physical trauma. So, even if you’re joking, it’s not nice to tell your adult child that you dropped them on their head as a baby. They could hold it against you and not talk to you for a couple of months.
You Are Not My Favorite Child
It’s normal to think you have a favorite child, but verbalizing it is another matter. If you tell your son or daughter they are not your favorite, it could make them feel unwanted and unloved. If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say it—especially when it will hurt your adult child’s feelings. You can think it, but don’t share it. This can create a lasting strain on your relationship.
You Look Like You Have Gained or Lost Weight
Society has evolved to recognize that talking about someone’s weight is problematic. Every body is different, and weight isn’t the only indicator of health. Don’t tell your son or daughter that they look skinny or fat. Have a private conversation with them to express your concern. There might be underlying factors, and calling attention to weight fluctuations could exacerbate problems. Approach concerns with compassion.
You Look Old
In general, it’s never nice to tell anyone they look old. Our culture prizes youthfulness as a beauty standard, making aging seem negative. The truth is everyone ages, and that’s a part of life. Instead of pointing out gray hairs and wrinkles, tell them you are proud of how they’ve grown.
Make Sure You Wear a Jacket
Parents often know what is best for their children, but that doesn’t mean they should carry that power into adulthood. Demanding they wear a jacket can feel nagging. It implies you don’t trust them to make sound decisions. Let them make mistakes; it’s their decision if they want to be cold. Even more unhelpful: “I told you so.”
Why Don’t You Call More Often?
Here is another familiar yet condescending remark parents love to say to their children. It produces guilt when you ask them why they don’t call more often. Is it possible that they have busy lives of their own? Could everything not be about you? It’s okay to feel this way, but communicate more thoughtfully—one that doesn’t add strain to your relationship.
I Made So Many Sacrifices For You
Parents make many sacrifices to give their children the best lives they can provide. Everybody knows this. However, when you use it to manipulate your adult child into doing something you want them to do, it will leave a bad taste in their mouth. Your child could secretly resent you. No one likes being told what to do. Communication is key to maintaining a healthy relationship with your adult child. Express your needs directly and respectfully.
When Are You Going To Get Married?
There are few things parents want more than to see their child grow old and settle down. You want what is best for your child, and getting married is a significant milestone of adulthood. However, pressuring them can cause stress and resistance. Your son or daughter might be flooded with doubt and uncertainty. Everyone has their own timeline, so don’t cause your child stress by asking when they will get married.
When Are You Going to Give Me Grandchildren?
Grandchildren are another pressure point. We understand that you are getting older and want your son or daughter to have children, but putting that pressure on them is not the way to get what you want. Be encouraging instead of pushy. Your child will make that decision when it feels right to them. They are not on your timeline, so be patient.
Your Father Or Mother Is Being Ridiculous
Your son or daughter isn’t your therapist, so don’t bring them into your marital drama. Our spouses can frustrate us sometimes, and it’s okay to express that frustration by talking with someone. However, sharing marital frustrations with them can be damaging. You risk straining multiple relationships when you air your grievances. Instead, talk to a close friend—or better yet, a therapist.
I Don’t Like Your Spouse
Parents want to see their children with the right person. Your child deserves no less than the best, but occasionally, children marry someone their parents are not fond of. While expressing your concern is okay, flat-out telling them you hate their spouse is rude. Once your true feelings are released, say goodbye to stress-free family gatherings. It will only cause tension; better communicate your concerns respectfully.
I Guess You Don’t Have Time For Me Anymore
Parents are good at giving their children guilt trips. As you get older, the relationship with your son or daughter changes, and you must adjust. It’s normal to feel hurt when they say they can’t visit you on the weekend, but responding condescendingly won’t communicate your needs productively. Express your disappointment without placing blame; they are more likely to understand.
I’m Your Parent and I Know Best
Kids look to their parents as models of good ethics. They rely on you to guide them because they don’t yet have the life experience to make their own decisions. However, as they grow into adults, telling them “I’m your parent, and I know what is best for you” undermines their independence. Your son or daughter might come to you for advice about staying in a relationship, but it is up to them to make the final decision.
I Wouldn’t Have Done That
We all make mistakes; as parents, we know that better than anyone else. However, when your adult child regrets a decision, telling them you would have done things differently isn’t helpful. They are looking for support, not judgment. Remember, your child is an adult capable of making their own decisions. They don’t need your guilt—but rather, your guidance and understanding to cope with the aftermath.
