Toxic relationships can be emotionally devastating, but the problem with these types of relationships is that you may not realize you’re in one until it’s too late. One minute, you’re having a great conversation, and the next thing you know, you’re defending red flags and crying, thinking that every couple deals with issues like this when they don’t.
Control Doesn’t Mean Care
Control and protectiveness are two different things, and people who are controlling often like to confuse you about it. Protectiveness stems from concern and love. Control stems from a desire to dominate and comes from a place of insecurity. Genuine love lets you have freedom, friends, and you don’t feel afraid to live your life. If you need permission for everything, you’re being managed.
Emotional Stonewalling
There is a significant difference between taking the space you need and stonewalling. Stonewalling is when you build a wall so high that your partner can’t talk to you or connect with you. If you’re experiencing this from your partner and you’re constantly afraid you’ll say the wrong thing, that’s not normal.
Gaslighting Is Not Miscommunication
Miscommunication occurs when you mishear something or misinterpret its meaning. It could also be assuming things are one way without communicating to see if you’re right. Gaslighting, however, occurs when one person intentionally makes you think something about your reality that isn’t true. For instance, you know something happened, and they say it didn’t, and you’re constantly double-checking your memories and yourself.
Isolation Isn’t Bonding
At first, it seems like spending time together is special, and it is. But when your phone rings and you realize you’re not going out with your friends or you feel you’re not ‘allowed’ to see them, that’s a problem. Your partner shouldn’t ask you to abandon everyone in your life for them. Eventually, your friends will stop trying, and you’ll have no one but your partner, which isn’t healthy.
Sacrifices
In every relationship, you’ll find that there are sacrifices. That part is normal. The issue is that people think that sacrificing more and more is a good thing because people make it look like it’s the ultimate devotion. Here’s the thing, though: genuine love and absolute dedication don’t demand that you give up everything you love. Real devotion supports the happiness of both people, not just one person’s.
Jealousy Is Not Passion
Many people read romance books where the hero becomes extremely jealous and thinks that’s the sweetest thing, assuming he must love her deeply. The truth is, jealousy is suffocating because you feel you can’t do anything without it causing a fight. Passion is built through trust, not jealousy. If you trust each other completely, your passion will burn just fine. Jealousy shouldn’t take hold of your relationship.
Criticism Should Not Be Frequent
When it comes to criticism, there are two things you should know. There is helpful criticism (if you burn a dish, your partner could tell you to lower the heat, suggest doing this or that, etc.), which isn’t meant to hurt you, and criticism should not be a frequent occurrence. Constant criticism, especially when it’s hurtful, builds resentment and destroys self-esteem. Your partner isn’t someone to mold; they’re someone to love.
Rollercoasters
For this one, a lot of media can take the blame for how people see this as healthy. Movies, music, and books all make it seem like screaming and fighting ‘passionately’ is a sign of a ‘deep connection’ and that it lets you know you can feel things so much more intensely with this person. The truth is, emotional rollercoasters are exhausting, and you shouldn’t be fighting all the time to prove you’re in love. You should be able to have peace.
Selflessness
Being selfless isn’t necessarily a bad thing in itself. It’s good to love each other and take care of each other, but when it starts to come at the expense of yourself and you feel like you can’t take care of yourself, it becomes an issue. It’s never good to have a list of unmet needs that you feel you can’t tell your partner about. Remember, you need that connection too, and your needs matter too.
Sorry
Sorry is a word that can mean real change. However, it becomes dangerous when you use it like a Monopoly “get-out-of-jail-free” card or a Nintendo reset and pretend that nothing ever happened. If you feel like you’re on a never-ending cycle of hurt and it never stops, you may start to realize that sorry doesn’t really mean sorry. It means the promises are meant to pacify you, and it’s not genuine—only a way to get temporary peace.
Communication Is Key
In any relationship, communication is key, and you should never be afraid of telling your partner when something isn’t right. With this list, you’ll be able to understand toxic behavior better and hopefully learn how to avoid it. Remember that in relationships, you matter too, and so do your needs. It’s a partnership, not one-sided.
