They say that when you marry, you don’t just marry your spouse — you marry their family. The relationship with your in-laws becomes almost as important as the one with your spouse. The relationship with your mother-in-law can be particularly challenging to navigate as the typical stereotype holds them to seem cold, critical, or overbearing. But with a bit of finesse, you can keep the peace. Here are 15 things you should never ask your mother-in-law.
Intimacy Advice
Our culture likes to idealize moms. But that doesn’t mean you can talk openly about intimate matters with your mother-in-law. What goes on between you and your spouse should stay in the bedroom. No one should be privy to these details—especially your mother-in-law. If you have trouble keeping the intimacy, talk to one of many relationship therapists out there, not your spouse’s mom.
Family Drama
People in committed relationships will get into fights. It’s inevitable. You and your partner can’t agree on everything from parenting style to what groceries you should get at the store. No matter how big or small the quarrel is between you and your spouse, do not bring your mother-in-law into the matter. Even if you ask her who is in the right-of-way, she’ll likely automatically side with her son or daughter. Plus, she’ll think less of you.
Annoying Spousal Habits
We all have things we don’t like about our spouse. Habits like leaving dirty plates near the sink, leaving full glasses of water, or forgetting to take out the trash can grind people’s gears. No matter how often you have to ask nicely or how frustrated you get, don’t try to get your mother-in-law on your side by asking if she has seen her son or daughter do the behavior you dislike. She’ll pick up on what you are trying to do.
Mental Health Issues
Despite mental health becoming less of a stigma in society, it’s still not a good idea to bring it up with your mother-in-law. Please don’t ask her what you should do with the negative thoughts you have been thinking; she is not a therapist. Furthermore, she’ll likely view you as incompetent, and might label you as a liability, and try to steer her son or daughter towards diversity. If you are struggling with mental health issues, speak with a professional.
Family Gossip
Last Thanksgiving, you noticed your spouse’s brother and family left abruptly after dinner. There was a tense conversation at the table, but you don’t know what suddenly triggered them to leave. Don’t ask your mother-in-law to divulge the details of your spouse’s family drama. Despite your undying curiosity, it’s best to stay out. Let your spouse take care of it and contact you if they need assistance.
Past Relationships
We all struggle with jealousy issues sometimes. You might be curious about your spouse’s former partner—What were they like? Were they good for each other? Does your mother-in-law like them more than me? Oftentimes, your curiosity for these answers is driven by deep-seated insecurities. Try to move past them and live in the present. Don’t ask your mother-in-law about your spouse’s last relationship. You’ll only get hurt.
Political Opinion
Your mother-in-law is older than you, so she’ll likely share opposing political views. Going into your spouse’s gathering, you know not to bring up specific issues that could ruin dinner. So, don’t ask her what she thinks about Congress’s latest policies or initiatives. You must nurture your relationship with her, not engage in a political debate. It will only end badly for everyone.
Religious Views
Religion can be another hot-button issue. Before your marriage, you likely discussed the topic with your families. Maybe you’ve grown away from or lost your faith since. Unless you know your mother-in-law very well and believe she is open to alternative views, don’t talk openly about your religion. She may become disappointed that you don’t share the same religious beliefs.
Major Life Decisions
You and your spouse are buying a house, having a baby, or moving to another state, and you are excited. But you shouldn’t ask your mother-in-law about major life decisions. It’s best to seek her opinion while your partner is present. Talking with your mother-in-law without them feels wrong as if you are talking behind them. Plan your future together and ask her for her opinions.
Question Their Parenting Style
You may want parenting advice, especially if you’re trying to handle a particular issue with your child. However, asking your mother-in-law for parenting tips can be risky. She might criticize your approach or make assumptions about your ability as a parent. It’s best to avoid this topic unless you’re sure it won’t cause tension.
Overly Personal Questions
Avoid asking overly personal questions, such as about bowel movements or intimate details of her past. These questions invade privacy and can make her uncomfortable. Don’t press her about past experiences or sensitive topics—your relationship with your mother-in-law should remain respectful and considerate. If she wants you to know something personal, she will tell you.
Favorite Child
Parents may deny or hide it, but it is common for a favorite child to emerge. You try to divide your attention, love, and affection equally, but that doesn’t always happen. If you are curious about which child your mother-in-law favors, refrain from asking. It’ll likely make things awkward between you. Stay curious, but don’t ask.
Come Over Whenever You’d Like
This one may be more about setting boundaries than a piece of advice. Do not ask your mother-in-law to come over whenever she wants. We understand you want to be friendly and ensure you are on your mother-in-law’s good side, but you will regret the invitation. She’ll be coming over unannounced and at the least convenient times. Save yourself the stress and tell her she has to call and ask before she comes over.
For Money
Your finances are private. Even so, there may come a time when you are hard strapped for cash and need financial assistance. You might think asking your mother-in-law for money is a good idea, but think again. If you ask her, she will find you incompetent at providing for her son or daughter. Worse, she will hold the debt over you and manipulate you into doing things she wants. Exhaust all other possibilities before you resort to asking your mother-in-law for money.
To Change a Family Recipe
Family recipes are a sacred artifact. It’s the ingredients and preparation of a meal or dish your family has enjoyed for years, passed down from family to family. Whether you are a competent cook or even a five-star chef, never ask your mother-in-law to change the family recipe. Even if it’s adding more salt than usual—it’s insulting. Your contribution may make it taste better but also worsen your relationship with your mother-in-law. So, don’t.
