All couples go through rough patches, and even when you love your partner deeply, there will be times of conflict and disappointment when you wonder if you are both ultimately compatible. Breaking up may cross your mind—it’s perfectly normal.
But the figures tell the story of couples making such decisions. According to a study, almost 70% of relationships fail within the first year, while 40% of marriages end in divorce. If you are seeking some guidance, here we cover 15 red flags that might mean your relationship is failing and your next wise step is leaving.
Your Communication Breaks Down
Thriving partnerships rely on healthy, open, and honest dialogue. If you are unable to freely speak and listen to each other, resentment will build, misunderstandings will occur, and emotional distance will widen. You need to be motivated and interested enough to communicate your likes and dislikes and share your feelings and thoughts with your partner.
You Fight Continually
Sure, all couples argue, but if your relationship is in a state of near-continual conflict, you will be upset and drained most of the time. Fighting is a sign of differences in your values. If you and your partner cannot agree on much, it might be a sign to move on. Passionate it may be, but passion needs tenderness and harmony too.
Loss of Intimacy and Affection
The end of physical and emotional intimacy often comes together, and couples can end up quite alone inside the partnership. If you don’t feel attracted to each other anymore but still have a loving affection, that can work to keep you close and together. If sexual attraction and affection dwindle, you might be forgiven for wondering what is next for you in your relationship life.
You Have Trust Issues
One of the serious red flags in a relationship is deceit and lies coming from your partner. You have to be able to trust your partner about all sorts of things, both emotional and practical, and trust issues are extremely undermining. Trust is the backbone of a relationship, and if there is betrayal and deceit, it needs to be addressed immediately. Forgiveness is one thing, but if trust remains an issue, you might be calling it a day.
There is a Lack of Respect
If you feel belittled, put down, and rubbished by your partner, that lack of respect will corrode any love you have for them. Respect—being treated with healthy consideration—is required from both partners for each to feel safe and valued. As Aretha Franklin’s song goes, “R-E-S-P-E-C-T, Find out what it means to me…” If you are suffering an ongoing lack of respect from your partner, there is life after the end of that relationship.
Gaslighting
The term “gaslight” comes from a 1944 film where a husband manipulates his wife into thinking she’s crazy by dimming the lights and denying it. Gaslighting is a form of manipulation where your partner makes you question your own reality. If you sense this kind of control and manipulation is happening to you, it is a severe red flag. It is emotional abuse.
Your Core Values and Life Goals Are Different
If your core values and life goals are different from your partner’s, there will be tension and disharmony. You will need to be clear about what you want in your present and future, and if the relationship is blocking those goals, you might need to rethink things. The cost-benefit view of life can help here: what costs and benefits do you have being in the relationship vs. moving on from it?
You Keep Breaking Up and Getting Back Together
“Breaking up is never easy, I know, but I have to go, Knowing me, knowing you, it’s the best I can do,” are the lyrics to ABBA’s ultimate breakup song. The feelings that go along with breaking up might not be very musical, but if you and your partner are often trying separation formally or informally, you might be skirting the issue. There may be a final breakup needed.
It is Not Possible to Be Your Authentic Self
If your relationship does not allow you to truly be yourself, and you feel pressure to conform to a personality or set of activities approved by your partner, you will not be doing yourself any favors. Your family and friends might know and respect you much better than your partner, and you will likely have their support to take action. You only live once (as far as we know!), and you owe it to yourself to be real as much as you can. That freedom to be yourself is really important for you emotionally (and spiritually, if you see things that way).
You Make Most of the Sacrifices
All relationships involve making compromises and sacrifices along the way, but if there is a major imbalance and you are the one doing all that, you might be better off on your own. There is a power dynamic existing in many couples—one person has the upper hand, and the other person feels they must be flexible. You’re never powerless—you need to assert your needs. Relationships only last if both of you make sacrifices. Otherwise, you are a doormat.
You Have Both Grown Apart
Ah, people change over time. We are all still growing up (at all ages) and learning life lessons that shape us. Different things might make us laugh and happy compared to a few years ago. If your relationship is very different today from how it was in the beginning, you might need to accept that perhaps you have grown apart. If you don’t “get” your partner, and they don’t “get” you, and the closeness and instinctive understanding is no longer there, you might need to follow your separate paths.
Your Motivation to Care is Minimal
If you used to check in regularly with your partner out of genuine, energized interest but do that less and less, your motivation to care may have cooled off. Loving and caring is one of the joys of life, but if that has been eroded in your relationship and you simply shrug your shoulders rather than reaching out, you might have run the tank to empty. Think about what you do care about and follow that line of thought.
You Don’t Really Like Yourself
If your relationship brings out the worst in you, and you simply don’t like yourself very much as a result, maybe it is time to move on. Being with people that bring out the best in you would be a good solution to your woes. A healthy relationship will make you feel good about yourself overall.
Your Needs Are Not Being Met
We all need all sorts of things from our relationship: affection, maybe sex, someone to share life’s ups and downs with, maybe guidance at times, unconditional love, laughter, understanding, and respect to name just a few aspects of our love life. If your partner is unwilling or unable to meet your needs in any of these ways, you might be daydreaming of being with someone else. You can openly discuss your unmet needs (your partner is not a mind-reader) and see if things improve.
You Are Suffering Abuse
Finally, physical and emotional abuse are very serious reasons to leave an abusive partner. There are refuges and centers for you to escape to if your family and friends are unable to help. Your precious mental and physical health is far too important—don’t waste your time in a damaging relationship. If you are hurt, leave, and leave safely.
