Gaslighting is a masterclass in manipulation, often wielded by narcissistic partners to bend your reality. They chip away at your memories, question your sanity, and leave you second-guessing every emotion. The goal? Total emotional dependence—because once you doubt your own mind, you’ll lean on theirs instead.
Breaking Up
One thing narcissists love to do is break up, but not for real. Psychopaths are known to use this tactic as well. What they’ll do is tell you they want to break up because they want distance from you, which is the genuine part. When the breakup is over, however, they want you back, so they come back to you to restart that toxic relationship.
Masking
Narcissists wear a mask, and they do this because they’re trying to get you invested. Once they’ve got you, the love bombing and sweetness are gone. Instead, you’re left with a narcissist who will hurt you and keep you invested in a toxic relationship as they hurt you and then love bomb you so you believe that they’ll change. Eventually, you’ll learn to see through the charm.
Indifference
It doesn’t matter if the narcissist cares. They’ll still pretend that they don’t and act indifferent because they know it will provoke you. If they break up with you, they’ll ignore you. If they want to hurt you further, they’ll post things online or even take pictures of other people. If they see that you’re finally moving on or think you are, they’ll get in touch.
Belittling Your Feelings
Your feelings matter, but a narcissist doesn’t care about that. One tool they often use is belittling your feelings and acting like they don’t matter. Additionally, they like to invalidate your feelings completely, and it serves as a way to mentally and emotionally abuse you. It also instills self-doubt, making you vulnerable to their tricks.
Denying Events
When you’re talking to someone, and you know something happened and the person you’re in love with claims it never happened, it can be crushing. Not only do you question yourself, though you know you’re right, but you also wonder why your partner is treating you this way and why they won’t believe you.
Distance
Distance is a huge tactic that narcissists use because you start wondering what you’ve done wrong and how to fix it. It’s about showing you that they can walk away; they’re the prize when in reality, you’re the prize. They act on the principle that the more they show you interest, the less they want you, and they try to weaponize distance as a result. They also add stonewalling to the list to “keep you in line.”
Power
Power and control are what make up a narcissist’s DNA. They don’t criticize you because they’re better than you (though they think they are); they do it because they want the power. You walk on eggshells and doubt yourself; they get the power imbalance they crave, and it’s harder for you to walk away from someone better. They display horrific hypocrisy when giving you orders.
They Lie
This is no surprise, but the other thing that’s rare with these partners is honesty. On the off chance you get them to tell the truth, it’s not the whole truth. Instead, they have you tell them your life story and then exploit your vulnerabilities. They’ll make up stories of their past, make themselves look like a victim to gain sympathy, and get you to fall in love. But it’s not true, even though they’re getting the truth from you.
Competition
After luring you into their web, your new partner will mention other people who want them or their exes. They create a competition where one doesn’t exist and provoke jealous feelings to maintain their power. Jealousy, according to psychologists, is a primal reaction to the thought of losing your partner to someone else, even if you don’t want that person that much. So you compete for no reason unless you choose to leave.
Mood Swings
One minute, your partner loves you and cherishes you; the next minute, you can’t do anything right; everything is your fault, and you are the worst partner ever. The reason this is how they play is that mixing favorable treatment with devaluation and mistreatment creates a strong trauma bond with you.
Faking Futures
While the thought of dating forever or living together is what some want, others want marriage. Everyone lives a different path, and we shouldn’t judge each other. But for those that want the picket fence, big house, marriage, children, etc., the narcissist will promise it and keep you believing it’s coming, only to keep you giving them what they want in the meantime, including physical touch, praise, attention, money, and more.
Traumatize
Narcissists are brutal, and inflicting trauma is a natural talent that is sickening. They know that the more trauma you have and the bigger it is, the more they can (they believe) matter to you. They don’t want to be insignificant to you. When they’ve lost control, they lash out; when they do, they regain their significance and then re-traumatize you in a horrendous cycle of toxicity. Then you’re left with the trauma when you leave.
Playing Victim
Playing the victim is a skill that narcissists pull off well. They tell stories of trauma that never happened, steal childhood stories from others to be a bigger victim, and feign trauma or triggers they don’t have, even when nothing is present. They conceal their irritation or malice with pity to make you doubt. Some cheaters will claim they’ve been victimized by cheating partners when they’re the ones who have left sobbing people in their wake.
Boundaries
Everyone has boundaries they don’t want to be crossed, and it’s a red flag when someone ignores them. Boundaries are not waiting to be crossed; if you’re uncomfortable and have said no, it means no. However, these partners will poke fun at and exploit your insecurities, push past your boundaries, and destabilize you for their pleasure. They learn what your boundaries are, specifically, so they can break them.
Deliberate Affection Withdrawal
For a narcissist, nothing says power like refusing affection. They’ll pull that affection away from you when you need it most, and you might think it’s them being in a bad mood, but it’s not. It’s a tactical manipulation tool to make you anxious, leaving you feeling insecure and craving their approval. They’ll wait until you’re desperate for it and then give you a tiny sliver of attention, but because they’ve been so cold, for some, it feels like a lifeline – like you’ve won the most fantastic prize. But it only hurts you more.
Don’t Fall For It
A narcissist can’t play with you if you walk away. It’s not your fault if you get taken in by one of these people. They’re good at what they do. However, if you notice any of the signs on this list, walk away before getting involved. If you are already involved, consider leaving before the situation escalates further. Everyone deserves better than people who abuse the relationship and don’t honestly care.
