If you are in a relationship with a guy and some things he does and says worry you, make you feel uneasy, or make your heart sink—that is the waving of a big red flag. Red flags in relationships are not to be ignored. Your health and happiness is at stake. If you sense red flags, you can always open up the dialogue between you both and aim to make things work, seeking change and acceptance. Or, you might walk away if you know your man is wrong for your life. Red flags are signs of unhealthy, unstable, or maybe even quite harmful behavior. Here are 15 red flags you should not dismiss in a guy:
Openly Flirting With Others
If you are one of the 55% of Americans who prefer complete monogamy in your relationship, you will be sensing a red flag if your man leads other women on, and perhaps into bed. However, a February 2023 YouGov poll found that one-third of Americans (34%) describe their “ideal relationship” as being not completely monogamous. The “open relationship” can work for some couples, but if your man insists on having more sexual partners, and you don’t feel right about it, it is time to move on to a man you can trust.
Being Really Clingy
In relationships, it is natural to want to be together and close, but if your guy does not take the hint when you need some time alone or time with friends, that clinginess might make you feel a bit claustrophobic. You might feel like their general emotional well-being is on your shoulders. It might be their anxiety, coming from previous bad experiences of abandonment, but if it impinges on your independence, it is a red flag that the relationship may have serious problems in terms of respect and autonomy.
Difficult Relationships in the Past
Nobody is perfect. We all make mistakes, and we are bound to have a failed relationship (or maybe two) behind us. But if your guy has been in and out of a number of partnerships, it might indicate a behavior pattern that frequently ends in breakups, arguments, or other unfavorable outcomes. Be cautious and keep your communication open with him—he may yet be able to contribute to a healthy partnership; we are all different, after all!
Talks a Lot, but Does Not Listen
Some people feel the pressure to speak based on feelings of social anxiety, and they will fill any silence with speech. That situation can settle once you both grow more comfortable with each other. However, if your man has an ongoing habit of talking a great deal and not making any effort to actively listen to you (or anyone else), it is a sign they are self-centered (to say the least, and maybe even narcissistic, to say the worst). For the relationship to work, both of you need to feel heard and appreciated. Red flag if you are fidgeting while he gasbags.
His Style Is Gaslighting
If he makes you question your memories, views, and even sanity, then he is “gaslighting” you, and it is an insidious form of manipulation. Gaslighting will undermine your confidence and make you feel weak and confused. Gaslighting techniques include simply denying you had a certain conversation, in which you or they said specific things. It is like your word against theirs, and they bully you into accepting their version of events. It includes blaming you for things that are not your fault. Big red flag—this man will only cause you harm.
Obsessional or Possessive Behavior
A major red flag is the behavior of a man who seeks to control you. If he demands to know where you are all the time and who you are with, he might be possessive and obsessional. A relationship needs the freedom to enjoy other friendships, and if he is envious of your time with others, it will cause great hardships—and can lead to verbal and physical abuse. Big red flag if you are worried about his reaction to your normal socializing, and demands on your time, energy, and focus.
Dishonesty
Lies and dishonesty will instantly disrupt any trust you might have established with your guy. If he is selective about the truths he tells you about little things (the cost of the shopping, where he worked in the past, etc.), you can’t trust him on the big-picture matters either. Your tolerance for dishonesty will be individual to you, but lies are a red flag in a long-term committed relationship.
No Signs of Ambition
A laidback partner is a mixed blessing. They can be cool under pressure and reassure you at times of stress. But for many women, a distinct lack of ambition in their man is a big red flag. A partner with no motivation, direction, or drive is a clear liability in our fast-paced 21st-century lives. Ambition to improve both personally and professionally is an attractive feature in people, as it is productive and positive. A lack of passion or purpose in life is a turn-off in a relationship and does not bode well for the future.
Persuading You to Compromise Your Principles
If your man consistently tries to change your mind on your values and what you hold dear, this might be a red flag in your relationship. You might be expected to compromise your family values, career values, friendship values, or spiritual values. Your principles are your core beliefs, and your partner needs to respect them.
Breaking Promises
A failure to keep one’s word leads to frustration, mistrust, and eventually a loss of connection between you and your guy. If he cancels plans often, breaks important promises, and you just can’t rely on him, you will have to seek change from his end or simply not trust his word anymore. Integrity in a partner leads to long-term relationship success. Breaking promises is not so successful.
Evading Questions About His Past
A certain air of mystery when dating should lead to transparency once you are in a committed relationship. Some guys will keep their past shrouded in the mist. Evading questions about their past is a red flag. Drug addiction, prison time, a bad marriage—all these past experiences can be understood and accepted once divulged. But keeping silent about it will lead to distrust and innuendo. Tell your guy you need to know. If he is unable to be honest, you will have to trust your instincts.
Anger Management Issues
We can all fly off the handle sometimes, but if your guy makes it a way of life to express serious anger and this upsets you, this topic needs your attention. Anger used as a way to intimidate is a red flag, and if you feel unsafe around your partner when he is angry, this can undermine your trust and security in the relationship. We need to respect our individual feelings, but thumping car bonnets or threatening people can be upsetting. Red flag.
Codependency
Codependency, or “relationship addiction,” is when two people rely on each other, quite exclusively, for psychological and even physical support. If you are in a codependent relationship, you will sense the obsessional nature of your interactions and the need for each other’s approval, company, and support. Your man might seek a codependent relationship; you can guide him to a partnership with more independence and freedom. Codependence can be exhausting and wear away at yourself.
Lack of a Friendship Circle
It is not a foregone conclusion that all of us have a wide circle of friends. Some of us are more introverted and may be socially anxious, or simply don’t have time for a social life. But if your guy, over time, does not develop any or many friendships, it could be a sign that they have a low capacity to bond. It also means they are relying on you for their social/emotional life. That is a red flag, but you can address this with them, and perhaps they can grow into a more connected person.
They Love Bomb You!
More relevant to the start of your romance, some guys will “love bomb” you and make a whirlwind dash for your heart, showering you with affection and attention before you have the chance to think about it! Healthy relationships move at a mutually comfortable pace. Love bombing can later reveal manipulative or unhealthy intentions. If you feel you are being rushed into a love match, this is certainly a red flag. Love is neither superficial nor quick. Take time to consider your smoochy, silver-tongued man!
